I’ve tried keeping two blogs at once time before and usually one falters while the other one is prosperous. I never in my wildest dreams would have ever imaged that this would be the blog that would eventually falter; but it has. I feel horrible for neglecting it, but with how much was going on in my life it was hard to keep it balanced correctly. I wish I could say that I won’t let it happen again, but I can’t. It most likely will, and most likely one day I’ll have to say this blog will end. However, this is not the case today. I have considered it, but I’m just not ready to let it go.
My other blog (http://www.adleystudio.com) has become my place to express myself creatively though pictures, pictures of others. And as much as I want to express myself through words, I feel restrained, like I can’t fully express myself because people aren’t coming there to read what I have to say, they are coming there to see the photos I produce. And as much as I enjoy people enjoying my work, I feel like there is something lacking.
I’ve always been one to keep a journal, whether it was an actual hard covered journal, a notebook, scraps of paper, or a blog I always needed a place to express my feelings and thoughts. So I guess what I’m trying to say is I need a brain dump, I need to write down everything I’m feeling and you’re the lucky winner who gets to read it. But if you’d rather not you can skip down and look at a pretty picture. :)
- Since being let go from my job, I have felt a cloud of happiness surrounding me that leaves me feeling relaxed and rejuvenated each day. I don’t think I have ever felt so enlightened before and feel so blessed each morning I wake up that this is my life.
- Since starting Adley Studio, and really concentrating on it since April of this year I feel such a release of creativity and passion that I get excited to do even the most mundane tasks like bookkeeping. I have always been someone that needs a creative outlet and I’ve picked up everything from piano to guitar, to collage, to mixed media art, to baking, to painting, and now have settled on photography that again I feel so blessed to have something in my life that makes me so happy.
- Since I have become so happy because of not working a corporate job anymore and working on something the excites me creatively I am fearful of the day when it will slip away. I am sure I have said it here before that my life has done a huge 180 degree turn in the past few years, but that does not mean that I have forgotten what it is like to have things taken away and depression seep in. Its a dark and dreary place where the feeling of isolation and suffocation attracts loneliness and I never want to experience it again.
- So to keep this ‘walking on clouds feeling’ I have been working as hard as I can to get Adley Studio out there and create a successful business. I’ve been brainstorming, collaborating, talking with others, and doing a lot of research. I honestly feel like every week I’ve come up with a a new idea that I want to implement. Thankfully Mister is really good at keeping me in check to make sure that I’m not getting to ahead of myself and making sure I’m completing the first projects I wanted to do before moving onto the next. I can get a little carried away at times.
- But as hard as I’ve been working, like I said above, Mister is keeping me in check and I feel a set of restraints being bound around me. It’s not Mister’s fault, it’s not even mine, it’s just the course we have to take to make this work and it hurts me to realize it.
- I have dreams and aspirations for our future, Mister’s and mine. We’ve talked about it, thought independently, collaborated and came to a mutual agreement and we get so excited for our future that we can hardly sit still at times. I have dreams and aspirations for Adley Studio. I think about it, I brainstorm, I talk to Mister about them, he thinks about them and then we come to a mutual agreement, and just like above I get so excited I’m shaking with happiness. However, just like as if I was working for a corporation, my husband (eek, it’s so weird to write that), my personal life, our dreams and aspirations come before my work. And this is why it hurts so much to feel restraints on me.
- I’m emotionally and physically bonded to my work, it’s my little baby, my little creation, and just like its my child I want to see it be successful to be prosperous, but more than that make an impact in my life and others. I know it’s already had quite an impact on mine, but I feel like it’s just starting to make a little notch in the lives of others, and I’m scared to pull back the reigns now to slow it all down. What if the momentum never picks up again and I’m left in a ghost town of ‘what could have been’?
- Before I felt like I was swimming in the fast lane, my legs and arms working as fast as I could will them to go. I was never in first place but I was never in last and it felt good to feel the water move past me at such speed. The water were my ideas, my clients, my dreams and goals being achieved. With each stroke I was moving forward and felt like I was passing others and gaining more speed with each new idea and new client. Now, however, I feel like I’m treading water. Ever.so.slowly.
- I will continue to feel like I’m treading water until something moves me forward again or completely takes me down. Until a decision is made, officially made. Not any of this ‘if and when’ but ‘will and do’. Keeping my head a float, willing my arms and legs to keep moving because I refuse to be pulled down. My head will stay above water.
So, this is my brain dump. Sorry it’s so up and down, full of excitement and depression. But I’ve been struggling with these thoughts for awhile and it’s taken a lot to get over the fear of putting it out there. Most people say that once you write something down, it’s done – it’s been proclaimed. So maybe, just maybe since I’ve written it down I now have the chance to face the fear of treading water and being okay with it and let it go.
Here is the photos I told you about. This is from our honeymoon at the top of a mountain just above the beach we were staying at. Mister took this of me and I love it so much cause I look I’m having the time of my life (which I totally was) but look so carefree and happy!