Posted by: Lesley | July 16, 2009

Brain Dump 0.2

I’ve tried keeping two blogs at once time before and usually one falters while the other one is prosperous.  I never in my wildest dreams would have ever imaged that this would be the blog that would eventually falter; but it has.  I feel horrible for neglecting it, but with how much was going on in my life it was hard to keep it balanced correctly.  I wish I could say that I won’t let it happen again, but I can’t.  It most likely will, and most likely one day I’ll have to say this blog will end.  However, this is not the case today.  I have considered it, but I’m just not ready to let it go.

My other blog (http://www.adleystudio.com) has become my place to express myself creatively though pictures, pictures of others.  And as much as I want to express myself through words, I feel restrained, like I can’t fully express myself because people aren’t coming there to read what I have to say, they are coming there to see the photos I produce.  And as much as I enjoy people enjoying my work, I feel like there is something lacking.

I’ve always been one to keep a journal, whether it was an actual hard covered journal, a notebook, scraps of paper, or a blog I always needed a place to express my feelings and thoughts.  So I guess what I’m trying to say is I need a brain dump, I need to write down everything I’m feeling and you’re the lucky winner who gets to read it.  But if you’d rather not you can skip down and look at a pretty picture. :)

  • Since being let go from my job, I have felt a cloud of happiness surrounding me that leaves me feeling relaxed and rejuvenated each day.  I don’t think I have ever felt so enlightened before and feel so blessed each morning I wake up that this is my life.
  • Since starting Adley Studio, and really concentrating on it since April of this year I feel such a release of creativity and passion that I get excited to do even the most mundane tasks like bookkeeping.  I have always been someone that needs a creative outlet and I’ve picked up everything from piano to guitar, to collage, to mixed media art, to baking, to painting, and now have settled on photography that again I feel so blessed to have something in my life that makes me so happy.
  • Since I have become so happy because of not working a corporate job anymore and working on something the excites me creatively I am fearful of the day when it will slip away.  I am sure I have said it here before that my life has done a huge 180 degree turn in the past few years, but that does not mean that I have forgotten what it is like to have things taken away and depression seep in.  Its a dark and dreary place where the feeling of isolation and suffocation attracts loneliness and I never want to experience it again.
  • So to keep this ‘walking on clouds feeling’ I have been working as hard as I can to get Adley Studio out there and create a successful business.  I’ve been brainstorming, collaborating, talking with others, and doing a lot of research.  I honestly feel like every week I’ve come up with a a new idea that I want to implement.  Thankfully Mister is really good at keeping me in check to make sure that I’m not getting to ahead of myself and making sure I’m completing the first projects I wanted to do before moving onto the next.  I can get a little carried away at times.
  • But as hard as I’ve been working, like I said above, Mister is keeping me in check and I feel a set of restraints being bound around me. It’s not Mister’s fault, it’s not even mine, it’s just the course we have to take to make this work and it hurts me to realize it.
  • I have dreams and aspirations for our future, Mister’s and mine.  We’ve talked about it, thought independently, collaborated and came to a mutual agreement and we get so excited for our future that we can hardly sit still at times.  I have dreams and aspirations for Adley Studio.  I think about it, I brainstorm, I talk to Mister about them, he thinks about them and then we come to a mutual agreement, and just like above I get so excited I’m shaking with happiness.  However, just like as if I was working for a corporation, my husband (eek, it’s so weird to write that), my personal life, our dreams and aspirations come before my work.  And this is why it hurts so much to feel restraints on me.
  • I’m emotionally and physically bonded to my work, it’s my little baby, my little creation, and just like its my child I want to see it be successful to be prosperous, but more than that make an impact in my life and others.  I know it’s already had quite an impact on mine, but I feel like it’s just starting to make a little notch in the lives of others, and I’m scared to pull back the reigns now to slow it all down.  What if the momentum never picks up again and I’m left in a ghost town of ‘what could have been’?
  • Before I felt like I was swimming in the fast lane, my legs and arms working as fast as I could will them to go.  I was never in first place but I was never in last and it felt good to feel the water move past me at such speed.  The water were my ideas, my clients, my dreams and goals being achieved.  With each stroke I was moving forward and felt like I was passing others and gaining more speed with each new idea and new client.  Now, however, I feel like I’m treading water. Ever.so.slowly.
  • I will continue to feel like I’m treading water until something moves me forward again or completely takes me down.  Until a decision is made, officially made.  Not any of this ‘if and when’ but ‘will and do’.  Keeping my head a float, willing my arms and legs to keep moving because I refuse to be pulled down.  My head will stay above water.

So, this is my brain dump.  Sorry it’s so up and down, full of excitement and depression.  But I’ve been struggling with these thoughts for awhile and it’s taken a lot to get over the fear of putting it out there.  Most people say that once you write something down, it’s done – it’s been proclaimed.  So maybe, just maybe since I’ve written it down I now have the chance to face the fear of treading water and being okay with it and let it go.

Here is the photos I told you about.  This is from our honeymoon at the top of a mountain just above the beach we were staying at.  Mister took this of me and I love it so much cause I look I’m having the time of my life (which I totally was) but look so carefree and happy!

honeymoon_01

Posted by: Lesley | May 22, 2009

Sorry for the hiatius….again

I didn’t plan on staying away for so long, but things got a little busy and I forgot to update, I’m sorry for that.

My last post was about tasting and seeing my dreams but still feeling like they were just a little out of reach.  We’ll I guess God decided that I wasn’t really thinking that straight and decided to show me that it was right in my grasp but just needed a push to actually capture it.  And so he did.

A month and a half ago I would lay in bed at night and dream about how my life would be like if I didn’t have to wake up every morning and go to work and work on something that I didn’t care for.  I had dreams of working for myself, taking photographs of people in love, and building a business that was successful and that gave me that ‘jump’ that I longed for in the morning.  I had dreams to have the freedom to be creative, schedule my own hours, and meet people who had like-minded business sense.

These dreams weaved in and out of my thoughts day in and day out.  I kept on telling myself that one day, one day I’ll have the chance to make these dreams a reality.  But I kept on thinking that that “one day” was still a long way off.

Well God had other plans.  He closed the door on my “one day” and showed me it was “today” – I was laid off about a month ago.  It took a couple of days for Mister and I to adjust to this new idea but then we realized that I was just handed my golden ticket.  Here was the opportunity I was hoping would come find me, that “one day” that I was hoping would finally reach me was right in my lap and if I didn’t take hold of it now, it probably wouldn’t arrive again.

Adley Studio became a full time business about 3 weeks ago and I am humbled at the response I have been receiving.  Each time I felt frustrated or afraid it might not work out, God would show me it wasn’t the case at all – I just needed more faith.

There was once a time in my life where I believed that He could do something, but always felt like he wouldn’t.  Now I just realize that I needed to believe that I could make it happen and would make it happen.  It’s all about timing, I had to be willing to work along with him.

So, this is why I’ve been a little hermit lately.  I’ve been working on Adley Studio, editing photos, meeting like-minded business people, taking photos of people in love, and scheduling my own work hours.  Every day it gets better and better and once again, feel so thankful that God has taken me who was once broken, confused, bitter, and angry and has created a beautiful, happy, whole, and energetic woman.  I have become the diamond in the rough. :)

Posted by: Lesley | April 7, 2009

Seeing, Tasting, Feeling

I often lay awake at night trying to will myself to go to sleep.  I count sheep and then my breath going in and out, or even count backwards from 1,000 for that matter to try and make myself sleepy; however I am usually defeated by my racing mind and wide eyes.

Eventually I give up counting my breath and begin to daydream (or is it evening dreaming?!).  I envision what I want my life to look like.  From the little things like how where I want to live, what my driveway will look like, if there are any children, what activities I’m involved in, what Mister and I are working towards, and how my house and office will be set up.  I can see it all come together in my mind and I get so excited for the things to come, that by that time I’m way too excited about my future life to even think about sleeping.

When I envision what I want it to look like I can see all the pieces of the puzzle falling to place, I can see what my life will be like: perfectly unbalanced…yet balanced.

I can see just beyond the horizon the good things God has in store for me, I can see the climb.

My dreams are so close yet just beyond my reach that I can see, taste, and feel them all around me.  It is all I can think about.

As I drift off to sleep I can hear my breathing getting slower and deeper and I unleash my daydreams into my actual dreams and the dream just get way more exciting than I could ever imagine!

This is a dog I met about a month ago and I fell in love.  Mister and I want a dog someday however but I don’t think we can handle a dog that sheds (even though I ultimately would love a Husky). Then I was introduced to a Goldendoddle (Golden Retriever crossed with a Miniature Poodle).  If you don’t shave them, I think they are so cute!  They are like miniature Snuffleupagus, without the long snout.

goldendoodle-1

goldendoodle-21

Posted by: Lesley | March 11, 2009

on the edge of my seat

Every weekday morning I groan and moan as I slowly roll myself out of bed, praying that the clock on the wall is lying to me, and quietly ask myself “Is it Friday yet?!”.   I continue to roll myself  into the shower and the song by Loverboy “Everybody’s working for the weekend” pops into my head.  It maybe a peppy song, but its that line that makes me sigh with discontent.

Mister and I sit down with our breakfast and coffee, and I lounge into the couch (our place is too small to have an actual dining table), snuggling myself into place and trying to make myself so comfortable that my body will refuse to move five minutes later.  As I’m still working on my second bite of breakfast, Mister has already finished his and is drumming his fingers against his leg in an inpatient matter.  He looks at me sheepishly cause he knows that if I was given the choice I’d sit there with him forever, but he gives me that look, the look that requires me to grant him his freedom.  I can see he is anxiously waiting to get out the door and into work.

As I finish off my breakfast I see the spring in his step and his quick and easy movements as he continues to get ready, he is almost giddy with excitement. I compare them to my slow and sluggish movements and know that I need that excitement in my eyes.

We take the elevator down to the ground floor and Mister’s smile is too contagious that I find myself smiling too.  I’m not smiling cause I’m going to work, but I’m smiling cause nothing else gives me more pleasure than seeing the one I love happy. I realize that he must loathe hearing my heavy sighs and seeing my sad eyes at the thought of doing something I don’t love.

I want that spring in my step, the excitement in my eyes, and the jump out of bed feeling cause I’m tired of working for the weekend and asking myself everymorning “Is it Friday yet?!”

Posted by: Lesley | March 4, 2009

A sinking feeling

Feeling a little down, and even though I try to keep this blog happy and light, some days I just don’t have the feeling.  Today is one of them.

3.5 months till our wedding. Just over 3 months until a complete transformation happens in my life.

And no, the sinking feeling isn’t towards my upcoming marriage, it towards my current work situation.

Poop, that is what I say, poop.

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Image source: Flickr

Posted by: Lesley | February 26, 2009

A kick in the pants

My friend Rachael keeps a blog, you can find her over there ——-> on the right hand side.  We were blog friends before we were actual friends, but that is because she had to move across the country before we could meet.  Rach has always been someone I have admired and respected.  Recently she decided, like myself to get off her butt, give herself a kick in the pants, and go after something that she really wanted to do. She is applying to become a police officer with the VPD, and I’m cheering her on every step of the way, cause  I know she can do it.

Over on her blog she has been writing about the same feelings that I’ve been experiencing.  Excitement for new things, fear of failing ourselves and others, being scared of telling others what our plans are, and nervous about the outcome.  This past week she has been writing about some questions she might have to answer in her interview with the VPD, and one of the questions jumped out at me.  The question was “Why do you want to be a police officer?”.

Her answer was very well thought out and it made me go “hmmm, I need to answer that question in regards to photography”.  So for all of you that might care to know….

“Why do I want to become a photographer?”

A little while ago I was watching the news and they were doing a news cast on someone who had passed away.  The photo that the family gave to the news crew was of him lying sideways on the couch with his baseball cap half way down his forehead and it looked like it was snapped while he was watching TV.  I felt that it definitely did not capture who he was, the photo just made him look lazy.  It made me sad that this man had lost his life and that this was the best photo they could find to represent him.

So this is the reason why I want to take portraits of people.  To give people the gift of imagery that captures who they are and what they are at THIS time in their lives.  Images that show that they are carefree and enjoy hiking and the outdoors, or that they enjoy reading a book at their local coffee shop, or that they are yoga fanatics.  This is what I want to capture.

This is my end goal to create images that people will look at 5 months, 5 years, 10 years from now and smile and think “I remember when…..”.

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I took this photo of my very awesome friend Kelly last week, we’ve decided she’s going to be the model of Adley Studio, since Mister doesn’t always like to be in front the camera.

Posted by: Lesley | February 19, 2009

Pieces of Me

Do you ever feel like you’re an onion?  I’m an onion.  There are many pieces and layers of who I am and what makes me…ME.

* I am smart, yet sometimes very ‘blond’.  * I know what I want from life, but am insecure in my ability to achieve it.  * I am creative, but also feel very ordinary. * I love to laugh and am usually always happy, but am afraid most people see me as unhappy. * I usually see the best possible outcome of a situation, but usually am too quick to complain about it’s current state.  * I am a girl in every way, but become very uncomfortable when people call me on it. * I know I have a great business mind, I see it – I know how it works, but am completely afraid that mine will fail. * I am intellectual and love deep conversations, but become very uncomfortable when called upon.  * I am inspired by the beauty around me and always want to capture it somehow, in a notebook, through photos, or through words; but somehow I never do.  *I love high heels and business outfits – I enjoy the feeling of sexiness and power it ignites, but I almost feel more comfortable in a pair of flip flops with a pair of linen shorts and a tank top on with sand in between my toes.
I am an onion, there are many layers and pieces to me.  This is why I have to own so many pairs of shoes. :)
shoes-collage1Adam just purchased the red shoes for me as a “It’s your birthday month” present.  The boots I purchased a couple of weeks ago after searching for a pair of nice wellies for over 2 years, these wellies are Divine for shoots.
Posted by: Lesley | February 16, 2009

A peaceful Day

We woke up early Saturday morning so that I could have a phone call with one of my most fav. people in the world.  While I was on the phone chatting about wedding invitations and wedding colours, Mister was moving about the house making me  coffee and putting together a grocery list.  He told me he was going to get us breakfast while I was on the phone.  I was delighted that I didn’t have to enter the grocery store.

An hour later I finally got off the phone and turned around to see Mister standing there with a bowl in his hand, I realize he didn’t make it to the grocery store.

“I made you breakfast!” He beamed.
“Really?!” I questioned, we had NO.FOOD in the house.
“I did, I’m not too sure if you’ll want it, but I made it”.  He hands over his bowl to me.  Its filled with mayo, tuna, and greek seasoning.

That my friends, is true love!

Posted by: Lesley | February 13, 2009

The love of my life

To the love of my life:

Once upon a time I was walking around in a shaded forest with a light layer of fog feeling a little lost and insecure. Then one day you walked into my life.  Slowly the fog began to lift, the sun began to shine and I was out of the shaded forest on a beautiful white sandy beach feeling more alive and happier then I have ever felt, with you by my side.

I had always dreamed that someone like you would be the one I would walk through life with, and I am so happy that you made that dream a reality, plus so much more.

Love of my life, you make me happy and my heart burst and sing at the thought of you!

Things I love about you:

*That you think “that’s what she said” jokes are the funniest thing ever.
*That you love making me coffee every morning, and usually let me have the one with latte art.
*That you willingly support me in whatever endeavour I chose to pursue, and give me the tools to do it.
*When you get in your talkative mode.
*That you tell me when I’m wearing something that doesn’t look ‘quite right’.
*That you love me, even when I look ugly.
*That you don’t make fun of me when I wear sweatpants when I’m cold, even though I hate sweatpants and vocalize it.
*That you fill the car up with gas when you know I have to go out the next morning and most likely won’t remember to do it myself.
*That you know you can bribe me with a bottle of Grey Monk wine to get your way.
*That you enjoy the fact that I sleep better when you’re beside me.
*The way you start to breathe really heavily when you’re concentrating on your work.
*That you know I hate being home alone, so at the beginning of our relationship you stayed over as long as possible to make sure I felt safe.
*That you will cuddle me to keep me warm, and enjoy it.
*That you always question the new shoes I bring home, but love them once I show them to you.
*That you always ask me to purchase ‘sexy’ shoes, even though I hardly do.
*That you give me foot rubs when I wiggle my toes in front of you.
*That you eat the meals I cook for you, even when the rice is burnt and the noodles water logged.
*That even when we’re having an argument, somehow we are able to work it out, and then you say the silliest thing and I burst out laughing and the issue seems to have disappeared.
*That we enjoy all the same things and have more fun doing them together.
*That you welcomed me and all my flaws into your world and haven’t looked back.

Love you mister, thanks for being my Valentine! Muah!

dress-1

Posted by: Lesley | February 12, 2009

one of THOSE days

Today I’m having one of those days.

You know, those days where the alarm goes off but you don’t want to get up so you press the snooze button for as long as you possibly can.  Then by the time you do get up you’re already running 5 minutes behind.

And even though you’re running 5 minutes behind you’re still not moving fast enough to make up those 5 minutes, and next thing you know its shifted from 5 minutes to 10 minutes.  Then while you’re eating breakfast with your honey the two of you suddenly get into a good conversation and you don’t want to end it, cause that means that the first good conversation the two of you have had in almost 5 days is over in less than 3 minutes.  But you get off the couch anyway to signal the conversation is over so that you can get to work.

You rush to work, and realize you aren’t  wearing the best ‘gotta rush’ shoes so but by now you’re 15 minutes late.  A part of you cares about being late and want to show you’re a good employee, but the other part of you thinks “I should live to work, not work to live.  What does it matter if I’m 15 minutes late”.  But you still walk even faster to your office building.

Once you’re inside you think you’re safe, until you see your boss and realize that the tension that has been there for the past month is still there.

Yea, you know, one of those days.

However, you want to know what is funny?  Just from writing this little post I feel so much better about my day. :)

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